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5 Randomly Selected Awesomely Bad Films You Have to See to Believe!

August 8, 2011

You do not want to know what these Oscar winners were doing to each other.

I can’t exactly say that I love bad movies. If I find something satisfying about a film, by definition I probably don’t think it’s bad. Unlike most lists counting down terrible films, I’m not looking to beat the dead horses (pun intended) of Heaven’s Gate or add another log to the Bonfire of the Vanities. There so many more awful movies out there to highlight; why limit ourselves to the titles that have already been agreed upon?

5. Shadowboxer (2005)
Before Precious, director Lee Daniels helmed this sex drenched revenge thriller featuring two current Oscar-winners (Cuba Gooding Jr. and La Mirren) and one future winner (Mo’Nique). Not that it’s any comfort. Shadowboxer is bad, real bad. If you’ve ever found yourself alone in the middle of the night thinking, “I wonder just how hot simulated sex between La Mirren and Cuba Gooding Jr might be?” this is the film for you.

4. Breakfast of Champions (1999)

I believe one day there will be a really fabulous adaptation of Vonnegut’s work. For the record, Breakfast of Champions is not such an adaptation. In fact, after a recent viewing it’s clear to me the film does everything in its power not to be a decent adaptation. There is a lot of chicken fried fail packed into the hour and forty so minute running time. We’re talking an efficiency of fail the likes of which are usually only found in 1980 anti-drug filmstrips and early 90s Cher beauty product infomercials.

3. Butterfly (1982)

Reading along with this helpful liveblogging of the entire film will take the edge of this Pia Zadora vehicle. If that’s bad, then I wanna be bad, indeed!

2. Autumn in New York (1997)

How long has it been since you’re truly exercised that cringe muscle? well you’ll get a solid workout of shifting uncomfortably and cringing while watching Richard Gere and Winona Ryder (who have absolutely NO chemistry) cry together, eat fancy foods together and do the nasty. You will be oddly lulled by the very strong visual chops of the director, Joan Chen, but they are no match for the bad acting and willies generated by watching Gere give it to Noni in the shower. It’s so wrong, you will rewind and watch it again.

1. Surrogates (2009)

Once in a great while a film comes along that is so awesomely bad attention must be paid. And when the film stars Bruce Willis I am unable to resist it. The titular “surrogates” are digital blow up dolls who engage in all the activities humans used to – like work crap jobs, date inappropriate people and do drugs that resemble both the look and functionality of the cylindrical wands used to jump start failing hearts – except the humans are now strapped into Barcaloungers and aren’t nearly as foxy as their surrogates would indicate. Essentially, Surrogates is a sci-fi treatment of what happens most Saturday evenings in the forums of OK Cupid. But wait, suddenly James Cromwell wanders into frame, reprising his I, Robot role, except nobody told him he’s in an entirely different film.

15 Comments leave one →
  1. hsofia permalink
    August 8, 2011 5:33 pm

    Shadowboxer’s trailer is such a hot mess I almost want to see the movie. At least I know Stephen Dorff was still alive as of 2005 – there is one white dude who likes to be in movies with black folks!

  2. August 8, 2011 7:03 pm

    It’s definitely worth watching. It’s hilariously bad. I assume any film with Stephen Dorff is bad by default.

  3. August 8, 2011 7:04 pm

    That Breakfast of Champions clip is truly, stupefyingly bad. Definitely a film that makes me ask “what were they thinking?”

  4. August 8, 2011 7:06 pm

    It was really hard for me to choose between Breakfast of Champions and one of Bruce’s other really terrible films – Color of Night. In the end I went with BoC because Color of Night is so awesomely bad it deserves its own post

  5. tony permalink
    August 8, 2011 8:24 pm

    you also get Willis Ween in color of night!

  6. August 8, 2011 9:24 pm

    Wait. JOAN CHEN directed Autumn in NY? That’s not right. That’s just depressing. My image of Josie Packard is now tarnished forever.

  7. Val permalink
    August 8, 2011 9:48 pm

    There’s a movie with Helen Mirren and Cuba Gooding Jr? But, not good? Awww…I will approach with caution…

    Bruce’s Surrogates hair looks…familiar… I believe I see shades of Michael York’s Logan’s Run pageboy in there somewhere… A sci-fi bad hair movie trend, maybe…

  8. August 8, 2011 10:59 pm

    You did Shadowboxer!! I get tempted by it every time at the Red Box, but never bit. Now I have to.

    Surrogates is such a good-bad movie. I just caught the end of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves last night, and I forgot how much that is some entertaining silliness of a movie.

  9. Chris c. permalink
    August 9, 2011 9:05 am

    Surrogates! I was, oh, maybe 10 minutes in when I started thinking “This is going to be a terrible movie. Bruce Willis what are you doing with that hair?” and then it was so bad and thus so very very good. I try to make someone who hates scifi but likes me watch it at least once every few months.

  10. August 10, 2011 10:48 am

    SURROGATES is hilarious and I kind of loved how ridiculous it was. That hairpiece, oy! I’ve gotta say, I totally dig Rosamund Pike, though.

    Two of these (SHADOWBOXER and BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS) have been sitting in my netflix queue for a while… they’ll probably remain there a few more years haha.

  11. August 11, 2011 4:11 pm

    I found Surrogates at the video hire last week. The Willis hair was worth the $4 all by itself.

  12. Paintmonkey permalink
    August 12, 2011 12:58 pm

    NO CONTEST. Color of Night is without question the winner of the most terrible Bruce Willis moment. What scars me still is the sheer horror of it when pitched in my mind against my childhood affection for Moonlighting. I mean – I used to race home from swimming on a monday night to watch that – as a child living in rural england, the combination of swimming AND cheesy american tv kept me high as a kite. Color of Night drove that kite into the ground and smashed it, then Cop Out did it all over again.
    You have however scattered an unbelievably tempting trail of crumbs leading me straight into Autumn in New York….I have to look – even though I know I will regret it, and yet I’ll enjoy the cringe, I know I will.

  13. August 12, 2011 3:47 pm

    I can’t let any discussion of awesomely bad films pass without a mention of a genuine home-grown shocker from the 80s: Turkey Shoot.
    In a dark and oppressive future, the rebels and noncomformists and a whole heap of people who looked at a cop the wrong way are confined in camps. One camp commander entertains his friends by arranging hunting parties…
    Almost sounds good, doesn’t it? Handled properly, with a decent script and budget, it might have been worth the ticket.

    Warning: if, like me, you thought Steve Railsback was great absolutely GREAT in The Stunt Man, you should probably avoid this piece of crap.

  14. IrishUp permalink
    August 13, 2011 7:20 am

    Wow, gregoryno6, that was like the love child of Death Race 2000 and The Rat Patrol.

    Lol at “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves”. Kostner’s good-bad movies are all so *earnest*. See also “The Postman”.

    I am looking forward to that Color of Night post!

  15. September 7, 2011 11:35 am

    Mirren is soooo naughty! I must see Helen and Cuba make the beast with two backs at least once before I die. Bucket list item #247

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