Cinemalphabet: L is for The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)
Angelina, er or Snarky, whatevs, I’m not calling you by your fake superhero name. I touched up your roots when you only had a teaspoon of Hawaiian Silky relaxer and a picture of Nia Long.
Looking for a movie featuring fathers/children of different races. Maya (biracial) notices that Daddy is white and we are not, and is developing critical conscious in such a way we can’t enjoy watching anything good on TV anymore. Well truth be told, Partner is at that age where it’s really bother him that there isn’t much in the way of representation. You got anything?
I am strictly forbidden from making my shop worn observation that telling us a female named Maya is biracial is redundant. Oops. Tiff and I have been friends for nearly twenty years, which makes me feel old and twitchy. We met at John F. Kennedy High School summer school after an unfortunate incident with my platform boot and the back of an assclown’s head – unfortunate because I broke my heel. I guess I showed him who was the “oreo” that day.
An oreo – for the uninitiated – basically is a black person who likes Depeche Mode or Metallica or the original cast recording of CHESS while also having historical memory of racial injustices and “phone voices”. I am and will always be such a person. Like Obama or Condi or The Huxtables though I have no idea what their thoughts are regarding the above mentioned pop culture products.
Poor Harry Reid. He tried to reveal the secret sauce! Wah Wah Waaaaaah!
I give incredible “phone”. Oh the joy joy of the look on some employer’s face when confronted with a chubby brown person when they expected a TWA air hostess. Seriously NOBODY has that accent but airhostess and female “oreos”.
Collect call from the clue phone. Will you accept the charges?
All this chow chow is basically to tell you I can only think of ONE movie that not only approximates the requested dynamics but also has the exact racial identities of Maya and her Dad, David. And David, it’s been three years, you’re gonna have to forgive me for showing Maya 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. It never occurred to me that A) Your name was David just like Dave and B) Maya would be such a great mimic.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you THE LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK.
Lulz abound in this not entirely terrible sequel to JURASSIC PARk. In fact, there is actually nothing one can point to – acting, script or cinematography – as the largest LULZ producing agent. It’s a well blended casserole of Lulz. While Goldblum is effective as Dr. Ian Malcolm, the stand out performances include: Pete Postlethwaite as big game hunter Roland, Arliss Howard as Peter Ludlow – John Hammond’s (Sir Richard Attenborough) clenched anus megalomaniac nephew – and Vanessa Lee Chester as the lovable Kelly Malcolm.
Whenever I find myself reflecting on this film, which is often, my thoughts immediately turn to some of the intentionally and unintentionally hilarious dialog, mostly delivered by Goldblum.
- “Nick, how many Sarahs do you think are on this island?” – Ian Malcolm
- “Ooh. Ahh. That’s how it always starts. Then later there’s running and screaming.” – Ian Malcolm
- “I hope you’ve kept this island quarantined and contained, but frankly, I’m shocked by this.” – Ian Malcolm
- “When you try to sound like Hammond it always comes across like a ruse or a hustle.” – Ian Malcolm.
But my favorite line is uttered by Arliss Howard. It’s a throwaway line, but I use it often. He’s getting some bit of chow chow about something and cuts it off with a delicious, “Oh this is all very thrilling.” His inflection always makes me howl.
There are not enough “I see the family resemblance” jokes to get you drunk, so I would suggest a better drinking game would be the number of times Howard’s accent slips. Never mind, that won’t get you drunk either and you’d dehydrate from lack of liquids. Julianne Moore and Vince Vaughn are fabulous, but since I tend to see this as typical of them it’s not worth too much bandwidth.
Gymnastics feature heavily in this film, the likes of which we haven’t seen since AMERICAN ANTHEM.
The film says nothing new or noteworthy about tensions between preteen daughters and their often clueless dads, WHICH IS GOOD, since this is not a SAY SOMETHING movie. Kelly’s hair holds up real good for about 2/3 of the movie then revolts against her ponytail holder spectacularly. She had the foresight to brush her cute do into a no nonsense ponytail/bun before sneaking onto the boat to Isla Sorna and into our little hearts.