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Seen Diamonds Cut Through Harder Men

June 3, 2010

you know my name...

A woman in the Price Chopper tsk tsked her way through a tabby article discussing Daniel Craig’s sexuality and looked at me while gesturing to the article as if to say, “Can you believe this?” Then she said, “What a shame.” and seemed to be waiting for response. I said dispassionately as I could, “I suppose your chances of dating him are probably the same whether he’s gay or not.” I paused as though realizing I’d made a conversational blunder, adding, “Though, maybe they’re slightly better if he’s straight.” I don’t care what gender Craig’s snogging in back alleys or in front of restaurants. Whoever it is, they’re pretty lucky and good for fucking them. Punch the old apron a few times for me, eh?

In my entry Got a License to Kill (to kill) and You Know I’m going Straight for Your Heart I wrote the following:

Okay, the “bitchez” [You Know My Name] is implied and it did pain for me awhile to find this song working its way up the list! Most of the new jack Bond themes are generally only good for another quick trip to the water closet or a last minute popcorn run. And bless his little heart for giving us some good Bassey, despite being out of his vocal element, so to speak.

After listening to song about forty billion times over the course of about two days I have come to the conclusion my original statements were harsh and presumptive. Cornell’s vocal performance is quite endearing and only gets a little wobbly at the end. Equating it with “Thunderball”, which I didn’t do in the entry, but have done, isn’t a fair comparison. This is more in the style of “The Man with the Golden Gun”. I’m still sorting through “Another Way to Die”, which has many great elements that simply do not play well together. Moreover, I’m just accustom to Bond themes with much more arrangement; they don’t normally sound like they were recorded in someone’s garage. Why does any of this matter? Well, it helps me when I struggle in my writing, particularly when asked to write for entities possessing an editorial voice that differs from my own. I like to remind myself it’s like being asked to sing a Bond theme. Working from that framework, I am far less likely to become frustrated and more able to sublimate stylistic choices inappropriate for the audience or outlet where my work is to appear.

What’s so fascinating about “Another Way to Die” is how Bond-y it sounds. It’s very “Live and Let Die”, which I’m sure isn’t coincidental. I love how Jack and Alicia sound together and it a pretty edgy song. It also seems to evoke “The Man with the Golden Gun”. I need more time with this song and I’m sure it’ll become a favorite Bond song. It meets my requirements for a good Bond theme:

1. Good music
2. Does not use the film title as the song title (“All Time High”, “Nobody Does it Better”)
3. Features artists I really like
4. Bond horns a plenty

And finally…

I started my guest blogging at Bitch Magazine. My blog there is called Snarky’s Cinemachine.

First entry: “No Country For Old Women”

“In the early ’90s–before Goldeneye–I created a silly ‘zine called “Judi Dench: Action Hero.” In it I presented an alternate universe where Dame Judi Dench was a cheeky action hero in the manner of Bruce Willis or Jason Statham, complete with fake film posters, movie reviews and interviews with the woman herself–fashioned from my vivid imagination and repeat viewings of 84 Charing Cross Road and A Room with a View. Refashioning A Room with a View into A Room with a View to a Kill, Dench starred as Jane, a fashionable aging assassin – with the charm of Auntie Mame and the skills of The Jackal, who reflects on her life as a mother, lover and highly coveted assassin while sitting in a high rise, waiting for her final assignment. I would tell you more, but the film–as I conceived it–has a great trope-a-licious twist…”

Read the rest of the post over at Bitch

Also don’t forget to check all the fantastic content there and SUBSCRIBE to the magazine if you don’t already. It’s awesome and there’s always tons of thoughtful features. Plus, you’ll get to read me in the paper edition later this year. Seriously, what could be better than that!

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. June 3, 2010 8:26 am

    I said dispassionately as I could, “I suppose your chances of dating him are probably the same whether he’s gay or not.”

    Oh snap! That’s another of your superpowers: coming up with lines like that on the spot. I generally only think of responses like that on the way home, if at all.

  2. June 3, 2010 8:49 am

    Nobody steps on a church in my town!

  3. June 3, 2010 8:57 am

    Can I get mildly off-topic for a minute here?

    Any references to Daniel Craig always remind me of the end of my marriage. My ex had started this thing where whenever I mentioned that a guy was cute, or a dude on the street who had hit on me, he’d go off on a tear about what violence he’d conduct on said fellow. From another guy that might be a ridiculous joke, but he was sort of flailing about and scraping the bottom of the idea barrel, trying to find ways to force me not to leave him. He was hoping I would take his threats of violence seriously and never realize that I could happily run off with any old fool as soon as I left the house in the morning.

    One night, a preview for the newest Bond movie came on. “God,” I said, “Daniel Craig is so flippin’ hot.” My ex made a manly grunt, then started to say, “Well, I guess I’ll have to track him down and…” before realizing what he was saying and trailing off. “What?” I snapped. “What are you going to do? Are you going to beat up JAMES BOND to keep me from DIVORCING YOU? That is the BEST. KEEP THAT SHIT UP.”

    There are many reasons to maintain a fantasy-snog of Daniel Craig, but he will always have a special place in my heart as the guy my ex finally realized he couldn’t even fantasy-beat up.

  4. June 3, 2010 2:41 pm

    I am utterly stealing your strategy of imagining myself to be attempting a James Bond theme song when trying to get through writing a difficult part of Nine Days (current novel, in progress — see blog). Along with Ed Lin’s ‘don’t stop to pull off the leeches,’ I’ll finish this fucking thing, yet.

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