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Some Things Defy Explanation Like Bruce Willis’ Hair

May 7, 2010


Reader requested post

Snarky, love your take on pop culture analysis. After reading your comment about Bruce Willis in an”earnest hairpiece” I am dying know which of his hairstyles you think are the best/worst.

I don’t want to upset any men, but if you have a sparkly eyes and a wry smile, KISS YOUR HAIR GOODBYE. Seriously. Just shave that shit off. Or rock an Ed Harris/Mitch Pileggi. But mostly accept it. It’s all good, bald is FUCKING HOT. Don’t let anyone tell you different, Kojak.

Baldies, by choice or force, I LOVE YOU, BABY!

So let’s dish my favorite baldy – Bruce!

It should go without saying I prefer Mr. Willis bald as fuck. That said, I will give props to his variety of hairpieces/colors – earnest or campy – cause, well I like me some Bruce1.

Best Kojak – 12 Monkeys

looks like they're about ten monkeys short.

Honorable Mentions:

  • Live Free or Die Hard
  • Pulp Fiction

Best Wig – Bandits

Honorable Mentions:

  • The Jackal
  • Bonfire of the Vanities

Best Color Job – The Fifth Element

Best it was good while it lasted – Die Hard

Honorable Mentions:

  • Blind Date
  • The Last Boy Scout

_________________________________________________
1 I KNOW he’s a Republican. He’s also left handed. I’m not trying to start a government with the motherfucker; I’m talking about his hair and movies. And for the record, that dude done put more black folks to work than Affirmative Action. Plus he provides me with hours upon hours of solid entertainment in attractive packaging and at a price point I enjoy. What the hell have you done for my black ass lately?

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27 Comments leave one →
  1. Teaspoon permalink
    May 7, 2010 4:06 pm

    The Kid http://www.imdb.com/media/rm2596903168/tt0219854

    Best hair-impersonating-a-rare-form-of-moss-or-possibly-alien-symbiote? The bangs-tentacles he’s got going on there make it look like his hair is an active participant in the conversation.

    I’m inclined to agree that he looks good in bald.

  2. May 7, 2010 4:10 pm

    Oh my god, I love that movie. I haven’t been able to remember the name, so thank you for that! I kept saying, “it’s this Disney movie with Lily Tomlin and Bruce Willis and he does this thing and there’s this dog and it’s like a cute movie…”

    And nobody knew what the hell I was talking about!

  3. badhedgehog permalink
    May 7, 2010 5:46 pm

    Bruce is my favourite international Hollywood baldy. (My favourite baldy overall has got to be Alex Macqueen, who gets a stand up cheer from me every time I see him on screen, especially if he’s playing Julius Nicholson. Honorable mention to Jim Furyk, although he keeps the bald under his baseball cap when he’s playing so he’s kind of a stealth baldy.)

    I love Bruce’s eyebrow and frown setup. It’s exquisite. Bruce’s hair, when present, has to offset his eyebrow and frown, and the Fifth Element blond does that, just tickety.

  4. aliciamaud permalink
    May 7, 2010 10:04 pm

    If there were a movie with 5 Bruce Willis’s in it, all fairly stinkin’ tipsy, it would be like attending my family reunion—all my mom’s brothers are gruff baldies with downturned eyes. Some with harmonicas even. He feels enough like home that I am still shocked sometimes by my attraction to my partner, what will all that HAIR he’s got on his head.

  5. Teaspoon permalink
    May 7, 2010 10:30 pm

    Ha! I couldn’t remember the name of the movie, either, but information wrangling is what I do (library cataloger), so I popped over to imdb.com and poked things ’til I found it. I should put it in the Netflix queue and watch it again.

  6. lemonadeandlemoncake permalink
    May 8, 2010 3:34 am

    hahaha the one on bandits makes me LAUGH.

  7. May 8, 2010 1:15 pm

    I love Bruce’s eyebrow and frown setup. It’s exquisite. Bruce’s hair, when present, has to offset his eyebrow and frown, and the Fifth Element blond does that, just tickety.

    Exactly. The reason The Jackal didn’t beat out Bandits was partly because it didn’t really add value to Willis’ face. It just sat on top of his dome like an embarrassed bride at a bachelorette party.

  8. May 8, 2010 1:16 pm

    If there were a movie with 5 Bruce Willis’s in it, all fairly stinkin’ tipsy, it would be like attending my family reunion—all my mom’s brothers are gruff baldies with downturned eyes. Some with harmonicas even. He feels enough like home that I am still shocked sometimes by my attraction to my partner, what will all that HAIR he’s got on his head.

    I won’t front, this paints a surprisingly intoxicating picture for me. Gruff + Bald = my kind of dude!

  9. May 8, 2010 1:18 pm

    Ha! I couldn’t remember the name of the movie, either, but information wrangling is what I do (library cataloger), so I popped over to imdb.com and poked things ’til I found it. I should put it in the Netflix queue and watch it again.

    I totally added the movie to NF queue! It’s such a cute movie.

  10. May 8, 2010 1:18 pm

    hahaha the one on bandits makes me LAUGH.

    He wears an increasingly horrifying array of wigs, tupes and hairpieces. It’s amazing.

  11. eieioj permalink
    May 8, 2010 3:37 pm

    No love for Hudson Hawk’s super-awesome ‘do? Which, if I remember correctly, was covered by a hat most of the time. Hmm.

    I love me a hot bald man. And Bruce Willis is definately that. The horseshoe hair look does it for me, too, but I always feel kinda odd, like it’s an Electra complex or something, because that’s what my dad’s hair was like. But it’s also the hair of Jean-Luc Picard, and I loves me some Jean-Luc.

    While watching the final seasons of Buffy, my boyfriend started referring to Principal Robin Wood (D.B. Woodside) as “Principal SexyHead” after I kept extolling his virtues.

  12. May 8, 2010 6:47 pm

    I love me a hot bald man. And Bruce Willis is definately that. The horseshoe hair look does it for me, too, but I always feel kinda odd, like it’s an Electra complex or something, because that’s what my dad’s hair was like. But it’s also the hair of Jean-Luc Picard, and I loves me some Jean-Luc.

    HORSESHOE HAIR. Consider that STOLEN. Hahah. That was so freaking hilarious.

    Also, I totally agree regard Jean-Luc!

  13. May 8, 2010 7:20 pm

    reader request: more hair posts.

  14. May 9, 2010 3:29 am

    You know who looks good bald and should please for the love of all that is holy go that way for real? John Travolta. I’m not even kidding.

  15. May 9, 2010 10:52 am

    I remember my bald-as-an-egg grandfather getting a haircut in from a country barber in the Catskills back in the 60s. The young guy asked if he wanted it long or short… to which my grandpa replied “if you can make it long, go ahead.”

    I don’t think a lot of youngish guys who lose their hair realize how old the “monk’s cut” makes them look. Think Mr. Clean… the guy could have been 60 but he was cut and hot (the earring didn’t hurt either).

  16. IrishUp permalink
    May 9, 2010 1:20 pm

    I fell in love with Bruce on “Moonlighting”. I still think that “Atomic Shakespeare” is one of the best things ever done for TV comedy. Bruce’s hair was off the charts for that one!

  17. Octavia permalink
    May 10, 2010 4:03 am

    I love how the presence or absence of his hair in Surrogates is used to heighten the contrast between the real/fake him. The fake (well, robotic) him’s hair is fantastic in a terrible way, so floppy and plastic looking and just generally wrong for him (so, perfect for what it is). And then there’s the lined, bald, real him, who is just ridiculously hot (and I love how a lot of that hotness comes from the fact that he looks lived in and a bit rough in contrast to the robots around him).
    Did you like the film? I really enjoyed it.
    My husband’s got the extreme balding widow’s peak going on, with very short hair, and I love it.

  18. May 10, 2010 7:45 am

    I love how the presence or absence of his hair in Surrogates is used to heighten the contrast between the real/fake him. The fake (well, robotic) him’s hair is fantastic in a terrible way, so floppy and plastic looking and just generally wrong for him (so, perfect for what it is).

    Oh snap, you know I didn’t even think of it that way! Thank you for this comment. Also, you know i”m loving your handle due to it evoking Octavia Butler.

  19. SaraKate permalink
    May 10, 2010 10:14 pm

    I don’t think a lot of youngish guys who lose their hair realize how old the “monk’s cut” makes them look.

    My least favorite thing guys do when they begin balding is to start wearing the rest of their hair longer, like it somehow compensates. It always gives me the impression that the hair has lost its grip and is sliding off.

  20. Octavia permalink
    May 10, 2010 10:49 pm

    I didn’t even click before, but yeah I love it; she’s pretty damn awesome.

  21. hsofia permalink
    May 11, 2010 11:05 am

    If my husband ever starts going bald I will be terrified/fascinated to see what happens next. He has a massive Charlie Brown head that is totally flat in the back. And a big forehead. I usually like bald heads, but I married a guy who would prolly look unfortunate bald, unlike my dad who looks great bald. The SO also cannot grow a beard, which is sad because I’m one of the 10% of women who prefer bearded men, but ended up with one of the <10% who can't grow one. Willis is good looking except when they make his cheeks all rougey. Used to watch Moonlighting with my mom as a kid; he has aged very well.

  22. May 11, 2010 11:53 am

    Willis is good looking except when they make his cheeks all rougey. Used to watch Moonlighting with my mom as a kid; he has aged very well.

    Seriously!

    Also, Ed Harris has a similar head shape to your husband!

    Horseshoe hair is not at all a bad option. And while I realize your hubby looks nothing like Harris or Patrick Stewart, they are both excellent examples of horseshoe hair done right and for the right reasons.

  23. May 11, 2010 11:54 am

    In other news: Ed No Harris, I am NOT mad at you, honey.

    *catcalls*

  24. May 11, 2010 11:56 am

    My husband’s got the extreme balding widow’s peak going on, with very short hair, and I love it.

    oooh, that sounds like Alan Rickman – a la Love Actually.

  25. hsofia permalink
    May 12, 2010 2:00 am

    they are both excellent examples of horseshoe hair done right and for the right reasons.

    Hmm … now you have me rethinking this.

  26. Octavia permalink
    May 12, 2010 4:48 am

    Re: Alan Rickman, yeah he looks really similar to this (http://images.allmoviephoto.com/2003_Love_Actually/2003_love_actually_008.jpg) when his hair gets a bit longer.

  27. November 21, 2010 10:47 am

    I love how the presence or absence of his hair in Surrogates is used to heighten the contrast between the real/fake him. The fake (well, robotic) him’s hair is fantastic in a terrible way, so floppy and plastic looking and just generally wrong for him (so, perfect for what it is). And then there’s the lined, bald, real him, who is just ridiculously hot (and I love how a lot of that hotness comes from the fact that he looks lived in and a bit rough in contrast to the robots around him).
    Did you like the film? I really enjoyed it.
    My husband’s got the extreme balding widow’s peak going on, with very short hair, and I love it.

    Little late, but just saw Surrogates, which was hilariously and awesomely bad, but that that tupe was off the charts and exactly as you described, Octavia!!!

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