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Got a License to Kill (to Kill) and You Know I’m Going Straight for Your Heart

April 28, 2010

Mr. Timothy Dalton as James Bond

Reader requested post! hit me up if you have something you’re dying to know or whatever. I’m done writing all the recaps for H:LOTS (watch for those on the blog) so I have “time” now.

Love to see a Bond related post. But with this twist: rank the songs and could you tell me which film you’d be if you were a Bond film and why. I think I know and am curious if I am correct. Thanks.

The rest of the email goes on to state this particular reader’s choices and film – On Her Majesty’s Secret Service – and why, “I’m hipster trash; it’s what we do.” Because I vividly remember that line making bits of Sour Patch Kids sail from my mouth in a chorus of “hahahahaha” I had to dust off the email and respond.

Where is that moonlight dream that leads to your side?

    My top favorite Bond songs – currently and in order

  • 1. Moonraker by Miss Shirley Bassey – My favorite Bond theme. (from my favorite Bond film) It is to me what Goldfinger is to other people. (both the film and the song) When Bassey sings, “Just like a Moonraker knows his dream will come true someday/I know that you are only a kiss away.” there is just no better moment in Bond song I have ever been able to find. Except maybe…
  • 2. All Time High (the theme to Octopussy) by Miss Rita Coolidge – I prefer a Bond song about love and sexual conquest. I know there will be eye gouging (hopefully) and impossible flights of fancy so I don’t need the lyrics to do of any of that and would rather they didn’t. Say what you will about Tim Rice, but Bond producers need to call this man a lot more often! And if I was the sort of person who made lists of songs for the first dance at my own wedding (and I am exactly that sort of person) I’m pretty sure this one is going to beat out A New Day Has Come. Lick. it. up. baby. Lick. it. up. Now the Daddy/Daughter dance has been “Isn’t She Lovely” by Stevie Wonder since about birth. Don’t worry, it won’t all be cheesy, if you should find yourself fortunate enough to be invited to the nuptials.
  • 3. For You Eyes Only by Miss Sheena Easton – I am not mad at you, Mr. Bill Conti! You done brought it. Miss Sheena, I miss you! Come back and you can even bring The Lover In Me, but only if you promise NOT TO DANCE. But back to FYEO…now that I realize the lyric is not, “Maybe I’m a lonesome goat because I know you’re mine” and is actually, “Maybe I’m an open book, because I know you’re mine.” the song makes a lot more sense. In the film I observed no goats – lonesome or otherwise. I figured it was some Britishism unfamiliar to me. And hand wringing feminists be damned – can we please get some more lyrics such as the following: The passions that collide in me/ the wild abandoned side of me. That lyric sells out the whole damn show! I can go a couple of days without dishing feminist discourse, but can’t go a day without dishing the passions that collide in me or the wild abandoned side of me!
  • 4. You Know My Name (BITCHEZ) by Chris Cornell – Okay, the “bitchez” is implied and it did pain for me awhile to find this song working its way up the list! Most of the new jack Bond themes are generally only good for another quick trip to the water closet or a last minute popcorn run. And bless his little heart for giving us some good Bassey, despite being out of his vocal element, so to speak.

  • 5. The Living Daylights by A-ha – This one tip toed into the top five one afternoon when I found myself singing along when it played on the iPod. I was like, “Oh snap, that hook. It’s not A View to a Kill – all bombast and perfect timing, but so what. It’s no Thunderball either!” And that lead singer takes that freaking bridge to school. Can I get what what?

Rounding out the top ten are:

    6. The Man With the Golden Gun by Lulu mostly a sentimental choice because I can’t hear its opening horn blasts without also hearing the reflexive barking of my late great pup Skippie High. Plus, I’m pretty sure it’s the only Bond theme that requires that go go dance where you prance like a pony while wearing big white go go boots.

    7. A View to Kill by Duran Duran Hold on to hats and purses, folks! This is Bond theme to beat and sadly nobody’s ever touched it in terms of tapping into cultural zeitgeist and having the best dancing naked lady opening sequence. Who can forget the iconic image of a day glo lady down hill skiing on day glo flames. Hot with multiple T’s! Besides when we’re dancing like Bond opening credits, we basically just do the sexy snake dance here and maybe toss in a few gun fingers.

    8. We Have All the Time in the World by Mr. Louis Armstrong – Despite not being “hipster trash” I appreciate a great many things about On Her Majesty’s Secret Service – namely this gorgeous song by Armstrong. When Armstrong says, “Nothing more. Nothing less, only love…” you actually believe him.

    9. Nobody Does it Better by Carly Simon – I seem to demonstrate a strong preference for Bond themes that don’t actually title themselves after the films in which they are featured. I have no analysis on that. I guess the songs are just better, in my opinion. Okay, damn I’m freaking good. I was gonna make a freaking Marvin Hamlisch quip, and IT TURNS OUT HE WAS INVOLVED IN THIS SONG. Seriously, I’m just that freaking good. I could hear Hamlisch in the very first note.

Which brings to number 10 and the second part of the reader’s question…

If I were a Bond film, I’d be License to Kill, though I’m surprised at this point of the entry I would even have to explicitly state this, given there are CLUES as to this being the answer. First one being the title!


  • Cause I am a song written by Narada Michael Walden.
  • Cause I’m classically trained and highly underrated like Timothy Dalton.
  • Cause I’m smoove like Gladys Knight – with or without Pips (though I love my Pips)
  • Cause I’m about as emotionally ruthless as Robert Davi’s character – Sanchez – albeit with much better skin.
  • Cause I started out shaky (in my writing career around the same time as the film) and ended up rocking the world like Carey Lowell and snagged the later in life smoothie too! I got Babbycakes and she got Gere; we’re both extremely happy with our silver foxes.
  • Cause I’m the right Bond at the wrong time.
  • Cause this is my blog and I fucking said so.

By the way, the reader guessed correctly and with a far better analysis than I actually provided. I might post that at some point. Or maybe not.

Snarky’s Machine will return in Live and Let Die
(technically I’m supposed to return in Goldeneye, but I’m all set with that.)

8 Comments leave one →
  1. April 28, 2010 3:31 am

    That Cornell song is so not like him, you weren’t kidding when you said he was out of his element! I’m just all kinds of freaked out by that.

  2. April 28, 2010 5:04 am

    Yeah, we’re talking Johnny Flat Pitch and His One Note Orchestra. There’s no black hole sun in this world.

  3. hsofia permalink
    April 28, 2010 7:08 am

    Wow. License to Kill is my favorite Bond movie. I feel so vindicated. It’s the only one I’ve seen more than once ( I had a VHS copy), and I used to earnestly dance along with the song, which I adored. And goodness, I haven’t heard/read the names Carey Lowell or Narada Michael Walden in at least a decade.

  4. April 28, 2010 7:29 am

    Awesome post. You’re right about Chris Cornell, if they were going to use a guy for a Bond theme they should have gotten one who could hit the high notes or else scored it lower. I have to admit I’ve always been a sucker for the “wah WAH wah” of Goldfinger, a bold brass sound that Ms. Bassey quickly does two or three better. I know it’s cliché but it’s the Bond song I heard on the radio growing up.

  5. April 28, 2010 1:17 pm

    ‘Live and Let Die’ didn’t make the Bond song list? I WEEP!

  6. April 28, 2010 1:18 pm

    Oh, and by the way? Timothy Dalton gets the nod from me as the most underrated Bond. I thought he was really good in the role, loads better than Roger Moore ever was. So strike me dead with lightning.

  7. April 28, 2010 1:25 pm

    ‘Live and Let Die’ didn’t make the Bond song list? I WEEP!

    It’s number 13 on my list!

    Oh, and by the way? Timothy Dalton gets the nod from me as the most underrated Bond. I thought he was really good in the role, loads better than Roger Moore ever was. So strike me dead with lightning.

    Dalton had a real understanding of who Bond was and trusted his own instincts, which were often very, very good.

  8. May 20, 2010 11:20 am

    The James Bond Rock is really one of the best scenary in James Bond Movies. But when I was there to see it two years ago it was really boring. The rock is tinny in comparison to the movie and it was a rainy day.

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