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Time Asks No Questions It Just Goes On Without You

March 22, 2010

Quickie round of bits from my previous journaling incarnations.

Snarky on decorum:

we’re gonna show up in some high heels and big erma bombeck sunglasses with our cocktail glasses in hand, like we came from somewhere other than a coin operated vibrating bed

– from “It’s All Simple When One Goes for A Concentration of Tastes” circa 2001.

Snarky is late (again):

hmmmm, once again, late. i feel like bridget jones. i’m just glad i don’t have a boss like hers, “C’mon c’mon, bridget jones – fucking late again.” said in a brusing british accent. i have the audio book and in times of tragedy i find solace in it. i know it by heart, from the many trips from asheville to hampton and back. if it weren’t for briget and jim williams, i don’t know how i’d get through those drives.

– From “Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti” circa 2000ish

Snarky on Airports:

i like Frankfort’s Airport, but it’s not as cool as Heathrow or Golly Charles. My sister thought it was called “Charles de Golly” and that Versallies was “Ver Sallys” I never let her forget it. i swear she’s never going to set foot in France again, because i won’t shut up about that charles de golly business. she got back though, because i didn’t even know he was a real person until like five years ago. i only knew of him from Day of the Jackal. So much for my eduction. my parents should demand their money back. I want a Helmut Kohl International airport and a Tony Blair International Airport. Tony was so cool during the princess di tragedy. He needs an airport. Christopher Walken needs an airport. Mother Theresa needs an airport, but not in Calcutta, somewhere like Madrid, because lord knows she needed a vacation. I would definitely feel confident flying into Bruce Willis International Airport. I’ve seen Die Hard enough times to know it all works itself out just fine, provided of course, it wasn’t in Idaho.

– from “Golly Charles” circa 2000ish

Snarky on Windshields:

in my old car, i was struggling to put on pants in the front passager side and i practically kicked out the windshield. i wish i could say there was a funny sexual tryst going on, but actually i was putting on pants i’d just bought. the salesgirl wouldn’t let me wear them out of the store, nor put them in the dressing room. the windshield was all cracked, and when la mommie asked what had happened and i told her, she said, “oh, you mean your hood didn’t fly open and smash it again?” yeah i was covered in stupid in the early 90s

– from “Even Shakespeare Didn’t Think of That on His Best Day” circa 2000ish

Snarky on Blues:

i probably wasn’t the only one during the fall of 1990 who thought wilson phillips was the male version of bonnie raitt. old trouper bluesy singer that had finally made it. oh was i surprised when it was a trio of daughters of someone famous. there was the “pretty” one, the “mysterious” one, and the “fat” one. of course, as is often the case, the fat had more talent in her chubby little finger than the rest of the put together. she had a better voice, a pretty face and way better style.

– from “No Dark Sarcasm at the Switchboard” circa 1999

Snarky has a purse popping good time:

i got a new inflatable purse today at the dollar tree. i couldn’t resist. i don’t need a teal inflatable purse. but i really wanted it. i went to the gas station to fill it, cause i didn’t wanna make myself faint trying to blow up the purse. after that i dumped the contents of my other purse into my new one. then i went to eckard. as i was paying for a newpaper a bottle of water and red whips, i haphazardly pulled out my keys.

“careful,” the salesclerk said, “you don’t wanna pop your purse.”

– “The Bubble Purse” circa 2001

Snarky learns the words to Sweet Home Alabama:

when anna stasia was little my sister and i used to change the lyrics of songs and sing them to her. especially when we wanted her to sleep and she wouldn’t. her favorite being my interpretation of sweet home alabama i’d cuddle her and sing several rounds of the chorus with my sis in background belting out “anna-stasia ahhh ahhh ahhh, anna-stasia ahhh ahhh ahhh!” instead of “alabama”. last summer while driving to the mall stasi solemnly told me, “you know that sweet home anna-stasia song, they’re really saying alabama. did you know that? i mean it kinda sounds like anna-stasia. but that’s okay, auntie. i still like it.” hmmmmm…

– from “Sweet Home, Anna Stasia” circa 2002

Snarky triumphs in Orange-Red:

it’s monday and i’m wearing tomato red. a shade i typically shun. a shade so terrible and so false. is it orange is it red? who can tell? it’s all subjective. hello, color isn’t supposed to be subjective. so i’m wearing the tomato red low cut fitted tee with a tacky annie hall stripe-y prada length skirt and those damn red python boots. my horoscope said, “you will be triumphant in shades of orange-red.” so here i am trying to be triumphant in shades of orange red.

– From “I May Not Know What You’re Going Through; Time is the Space Between Me and You” circa 2001

Snarky on icebreakers:

have this friend who tells people upon meeting her that she is the lovechild of a kennedy affair. “look at this jawline. look at this horsey face! i’m a fucking kennedy. someone needs to show me the money.” she does have a rather kennedy-esque jawline, but i’m certain that she is not the bastard child of ted kennedy. for one thing she’s a lovely shade of mocha and her accent is pure valley perfect. also her mother has a strong jawline and sharp features. being all that as it may or may not, i like that she says that. i like that she has her patented conversation icebreaker. i don’t have one.

usually i just say, “i’m snarky and all my clothes come from the gap. wanna buy me shiny things?”

– from “I Rolled a Tank and Held a General’s Rank” circa 2003

—–

If you’re wondering what the videos have to do with the entry, REREAD THE EXCERPT TITLES and click on the link! You don’t have to be Ray Ray or Scooby Doo to figure this out. But in case you’re not, I’ve done the work for you.

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. araymondjohnson permalink
    March 22, 2010 4:11 pm

    hahahaha, shhhhhh, you are giving away the secret decoder ring for FREE.

    drink more ovaltine.

  2. March 22, 2010 5:06 pm

    Use Tootie!

  3. March 22, 2010 5:24 pm

    I think it’s like the Lost Ark, if they try to harness the pow WAH, their faces melt off.

  4. March 22, 2010 5:54 pm

    I would definitely feel confident flying into Bruce Willis International Airport. I’ve seen Die Hard enough times to know it all works itself out just fine, provided of course, it wasn’t in Idaho.

    On the other hand, I would not want to be flying out of BWIA because one of those long waits on the tarmac would not go well…

  5. March 23, 2010 12:08 am

    I love the bubble purse story. It reminds me of the clear plastic and metal box purse I had when I was in high school. Remember those box purses? They were like tiny suitcases, but square. I’m sure I told you about that purse, how I threw it at that dude’s head. If not, I seriously need to tell it to you because it is HI-larious.

  6. March 23, 2010 6:55 am

    Yeah I’d much rather get hit in the head with the bubble purse.

  7. March 23, 2010 8:47 am

    Redlami – that could easily be arranged.

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