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Two Kings

January 31, 2010

Two scary girls are better than one.

What Brian De Palma had directed The Shining?
What if Stanley Kubrick had directed Carrie?

Curious. So was I and here’s what I have come up with.

Kubrick at the helm of Carrie would have meant:

    • The acting and script would have 1000x better
    • The movie would have started at the prom and slowly unfolded in flashback
    • There would be many more unnecessary zooms on terrified expressions
    • Less fucking telling and more fucking showing.
    • No Nancy Allen or John Travolta.
    • Movie would have stayed focused on Carrie and not switched protags at the end giving us all the “wft, whose story is he telling?” foolishness.
    • Carrie would have been more humanized, though still quite “HAL” like.
    • unsatisfying ending.
    • judicious use of cheesy horror effects.
    • Peter Sellers would attempt to upstage everyone at the prom, yet be spared a just slashing or played five different characters.
    • Carrie’s mother would take her parenting cues from The Sonny and Cher Show or watched a lot of Good Times.

De Palma helming The Shining would be all

    • split screen a-go-go. All chase scenes would be split with the cells converging at the apotheosis of terror.
    • oddly framed shots of “Tony”/Danny’s finger when Tony was talking. NO Danny in frame.
    • Several pointless sex scenes between the parents and Nancy Allen would film all her chase scenes topless. JIGGLEVISION.
    • The plot would have to be nailed to a tree to keep from blowing away.
    • Scatman would have been killed off before he could tell them anything useful.
    • Someone would have been dressed like Mae West for no discernible reason.
    • we would have had to see that damn elevator o’ blood first in split screen, then oddly framed and THEN in four square.
    • Jack would have written the entire plot synopsis on his “All work and no play” manuscript and the audience would have been given ample time to read it.
    • The ending would have been spelled out with cheesy “resolution” strings and someone would have faced the camera and lectured the audience like a Bond villain.
    • more corpses in glossy lipstick
    • less live people in glossy lipstick
    • Nancy Allen
3 Comments leave one →
  1. Fillyjonk permalink
    February 1, 2010 12:03 am

    This would also make a really, really good Friday Fluff. Though again you’d be much better at it than pretty much anybody else.

  2. February 1, 2010 10:41 am

    Hah this is awesome. One more point: Kubrick’s Carrie would be 2 1/2 hours because of the lengthy backstory, while DePalma’s Shining would have taken place all in one day and been over in 100 minutes or less.

    Oh and DePalma’s Shining would have funner closing credits.

  3. February 1, 2010 2:24 pm

    Snarky, you make me laugh so hard. I don’t even know that much about film and this thing is killing me. Love ya.

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