January 31, 2010
Curious. So was I and here’s what I have come up with.
Kubrick at the helm of Carrie would have meant:
• The acting and script would have 1000x better
• The movie would have started at the prom and slowly unfolded in flashback
• There would be many more unnecessary zooms on terrified expressions
• Less fucking telling and more fucking showing.
• No Nancy Allen or John Travolta.
• Movie would have stayed focused on Carrie and not switched protags at the end giving us all the “wft, whose story is he telling?” foolishness.
• Carrie would have been more humanized, though still quite “HAL” like.
• unsatisfying ending.
• judicious use of cheesy horror effects.
• Peter Sellers would attempt to upstage everyone at the prom, yet be spared a just slashing or played five different characters.
• Carrie’s mother would take her parenting cues from The Sonny and Cher Show or watched a lot of Good Times.
De Palma helming The Shining would be all
• split screen a-go-go. All chase scenes would be split with the cells converging at the apotheosis of terror.
• oddly framed shots of “Tony”/Danny’s finger when Tony was talking. NO Danny in frame.
• Several pointless sex scenes between the parents and Nancy Allen would film all her chase scenes topless. JIGGLEVISION.
• The plot would have to be nailed to a tree to keep from blowing away.
• Scatman would have been killed off before he could tell them anything useful.
• Someone would have been dressed like Mae West for no discernible reason.
• we would have had to see that damn elevator o’ blood first in split screen, then oddly framed and THEN in four square.
• Jack would have written the entire plot synopsis on his “All work and no play” manuscript and the audience would have been given ample time to read it.
• The ending would have been spelled out with cheesy “resolution” strings and someone would have faced the camera and lectured the audience like a Bond villain.
• more corpses in glossy lipstick
• less live people in glossy lipstick
• Nancy Allen