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No Thanks for the Memories

January 26, 2010

I love me some karaoke. And I’m good too. We’re not talking great pipes: I’m more a vocal stylist who is kind enough to stick to what works with my limited range. That said, there are some songs – oh some songs – people should just LEAVE THE HELL ALONE. I’m not even talking about bad singing, but rather I’m tired of hearing these songs.

I Touch Myself – The Divinyls.
Dude, nobody wants to watch you drunkenly crawl across a filthy karaoke stage, fucking up the words of this one hit wonder in a shrill, shaky voice while picturing the ex who won’t call you back feeling moved by your supposedly transgressive and sexy performance to rethink their position.

American Pie – Don Mclean
The music dies a little more each time some earnest mutherfucker gets on stage and holds the audience hostage for eight minutes working his way through the events of La Bamba, which I’m pretty sure feels shorter than this song.

Baby Got Back – Sir Mix-a-Lot
Now, don’t get me wrong. I raged this song back in the day, but I don’t need that fact called to my attention by drunk white people shaking their Dockers in my face in a sad attempt at irony.

Summer Nights – Olivia & John
Hey, I think it’s great you got the whole Crisis Diversion team out to blow off some steam and I really appreciate the work you do, but really, we’re not filming MSWs Gone Wild here, and no, that singing and dancing yourselves back to the booth is not a nice touch.

Don’t Cry Out Loud – Melissa Manchester
Yeah, I saw that movie too. And you know what, it has never compelled me to butcher one of Melissa Manchester’s finest songs. Sawdust and glitter do not describe the conditions under which this song should be performed. Okay, so maybe “Looking Through The Eyes of Love” is actually the better song. And no, you can’t sing that either.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. January 26, 2010 8:19 am

    I love singing American Pie, and I’m one of the only people I know who knows all the lyrics. But I think the only time it’s acceptable to sing it to other people is as a lullabye. Or in the shower. Which is probably the only time it’s acceptable to sing “I Touch Myself” for that matter.

  2. January 26, 2010 8:26 am

    Sounds like good advice to me!

  3. raymondj permalink
    January 26, 2010 10:16 am

    I have violated your Melissa Manchester law, usually after midnight and after the fifth whiskey.

    I would like to add “Black Velvet” to songs that I need to quit, since I have now heard it more times at karaoke than I ever did on the radio in 1989. And while I’ve never heard this performed live, I would like “Goodbye English Rose” taken out of all karaoke catalogs as well, so I can keep it that way.

  4. Hank permalink
    January 26, 2010 10:21 am

    I’m going to have to add Paradise By the Dashboard Light.
    a) it is 8 minutes and 28 seconds long
    b) whole sections have no real lyrics, so the singers are just standing around trying to sort of act it out
    c) you’re not Meatloaf and neither is your boyfriend.

  5. January 26, 2010 10:24 am

    I have violated your Melissa Manchester law, usually after midnight and after the fifth whiskey.

    I’m guessing there needs to be a Raymond Clause. And I seriously nearly wrote, “Except Raymond.” but figured folks would take this as an opportunity to go wild.

    Hank: Man, I am with you on that 100%.

  6. January 26, 2010 1:44 pm

    I r teh karaoke queen o’ my block. Iz true.

  7. January 26, 2010 10:15 pm

    The best songs for Karaoke seem to be:

    Arena Rock
    Country Songs (I love love love love when someone sings Hank Williams)
    Motownish stuff.
    Bluesy stuff like “The Thrill is Gone” and “Mustang Sally”.

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