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Black Women Need Not Apply

January 23, 2010

I found a OK Cupid forum post asking for honest answers regarding attraction to black women. Look, no rational person expects to find nuance on a dating site forum, so save that critique for someone who gives a shit. However, it does shed light on the way in which the beauty ideal is framed and there is a huge difference between white women who don’t always “feel” attractive and women of color, Trans women, differently abled women and so forth who are not even recognized by the beauty default setting, yet are still just as harshly subjected to them. Also, note the references to Black female bodies as animalistic, male and other. I’d decided to forgo my usual commentary and let the commenters speak for themselves.

I should also note pulling quotes from folks using a dating site forum on a Saturday night is like beating flies with hammers. Clearly we’re not talking about folks succeeding at dating and that should help chase down the bitterness of their comments.

From moneymitch88

i like classy girls, no matter what race they are. i think that a lot of black girls get rejected becuase of a “ghetto” stereotype, i could understand this. who wants to date a girl that’s always cussing, fighting, and being rude? i dont need that in a girlfriend, thats what my guy friends are for.

From TSNM:

I mostly think it’s because of the physical attraction…

I for instance, having grown in a different country, didn’t really know about all the racist acts here in the US before 50s. Therefore I never thought about discriminating and that was not because I was raised by instructions about how not to be racist based on color, but it was because I wasn’t even aware of something like that… But still, I’m just not physically attracted almost any black women. I don’t even check out the profile because I just don’t get that “Wow” thing when browsing through the little profile pictures in the “matches” section… Sorry but you asked to be honest…

I need to know the percentage of the ethnicities of the members, and if they are physically attracted to x race (May that be caucasian, black, middle eastern, asian, latino etc.)… So if the guy, even at a sophisticated wine bar never has that thought about approaching that race-x lady because he’s just not attracted to that race, that guy will not even look at the profile…

That’s what I think…

Good luck

TSNM

From foolishsucka:

I’m white and I generally prefer darker exotic women – latina, black, crazy island mixes. Most latinas seem to be Jesus freaks though. The only race I’m really biased against are asian women. I’m just not into them for some reason – maybe they are too submisive or pure for me or something. The one exception is girls from Singapore, but you rarely see them off the island.

FWIW most of my friends are latino and asian.

From Stevian

I will admit, I have ventured outside of my race. My ex fiance was of Costa Rican origin (latin), but even now I still know nothing of what Costa Rican’s are. It does tend to come down to the individual. This is an interesting thread. Before reading this thread, I didn’t know desi’s existed. It’s really interesting to fathom, to say the least.

Onto the question at hand, yes. Race does affect me as far as interests go. You are attractive elle, make no doubt, but it seems every time I meet someone of your descent [BLACK WOMEN], they go out of their way to be mean to me, or at extremes, be rather violent with me. I am not foolish enough to believe you would do so, not at all. But I honestly just wouldn’t feel safe. I imagine I am not the only one that thinks so.

You may be the sweetest girl in the world, but unless your entire family and your family friends are nice people, I don’t think I would be happy.

From silent_male, who oddly enough talks a lot of smack and doesn’t know the meaning of the word “silent”. perhaps it’s meant to be ironic:

I tend to go for women who are not very short (not below 5’0″ or so – I am 6’2″), speak English well (Indian/Aussie/American accents in addition to standard British English are ok, but no hood type talk “yno watimsayin”), have a fairer complexion than I am (women aren’t called the fair sex for nothing), are professionally / educationally driven, have a spiritual side, a certain depth of character, come from a family that is hard working / education oriented, aren’t smokers / serious drinkers / drug users, are family minded, are not single moms, not Muslims (or hardcore Christians/Catholics), and do not have any serious personality related issues.

I recently got out of a short but intense (long distance) relationship.

My history is now: 1 Indian and the rest white. That one (painful) experience with an Indian girl (and observations of other Indian girls who were with friends) were enough to put me off Indian women for life (I think). Most Indian girls do not like (actually actively despise) Indian guys in the first place (too many reasons to list or matter).

I have never dated any Asian, AA, middle eastern, or Hispanic women. In my line of work, the workplace is either Indian, Asian, white or even some middle easterner (- and overwhelmingly male, hard sciences / engineering are like this for whatever reasons). Hardly any Hispanic / AAs (we have one Hispanic guy and 2 AA guys in my immediate circle of 200-300 colleagues). I am culturally aware enough to know that there is a certain angry AA woman stereotype. Regarding Hispanic women, though many of them look somewhat similar to Indians from more southern parts of India (I am originally from northwestern India and hence have a slightly fairer complexion than most of my countrymen), there are significant enough religious differences (my religion and serious Catholicism definitely do not mix) to preclude any such possibility. So, is Jennifer Lopez good looking – you bet. Would I date her ? Not a chance.

So are my preferences a little racial (given the personal history) ? Possibly. Are they racist (“I do not care how good she is inside, I will not date her because of her racial affiliation”) ? I think not. Are they tinged with considerations of certain expectations of what would work long term and what might not ? Definitely.

From zhillsdude, a white person who thinks his lack race consciousness is noteworthy and amazing:

I barely even think about race. Sometimes I’m surprised when I hear someone talking about race because it doesn’t mean anything to me but to others that’s all they can think about.As I recently said in another thread, racism and homophobia are stupid.

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. January 23, 2010 9:10 pm

    So, is Jennifer Lopez good looking – you bet. Would I date her ? Not a chance.

    I’m sure J.Lo is heartbroken over this.

  2. January 23, 2010 9:26 pm

    Hopefully, she’ll be able to pick up the pieces and move on with her million dollar life. Or not.

  3. January 23, 2010 9:29 pm

    I think the big problem with dating sites is that guys tend to look at them as catalogs, and feel entitled to “select” what they’d like, rather than just be happy if they can get any female attention whatsoever.

  4. January 23, 2010 9:41 pm

    Yeah, and I’m sure this mentality doesn’t just extend to dating sites, though it’s probably at its most offensive there.

  5. March 13, 2010 7:42 pm

    I’m confused by silent_male, who apparently thinks that India is not in Asia.

    I’ve tried to analyse whether I’m racist in terms of who I’m attracted to. I don’t think I am, but I’m not sure. I like pretty boys; not muscle studs. This can translate to racist if you don’t stop to think about it (Filipino guys are pretty; black guys are handsome), but there are plenty of exceptions to that and I try to keep myself aware of them.

    I am, of course, racist.

    TRiG.

  6. March 13, 2010 7:55 pm

    TRIG, I like your thinking. Even questioning desires is miles ahead of these guys. I can think of a few pretty Black guys like Terrance Howard, Don Cheadle and Lenny Kravitz. But I get your meaning. Someone of that stuff tied to the “come” button are really hard to sort through. I am no exception. Did you see my post about height bias. It has been a mellow harshing experience to really acknowledge that I do seem to have a height preference in dating, regardless of how much I try to explain it way and more importantly in concert to examining what I consume as far as pop culture, it’s clear these messages aren’t coming in a vacuum and I can be active in resisting those messages.

  7. March 13, 2010 9:03 pm

    I had to look up all three of the names you mentioned. (I watch no television except QI, Mock the Week, and Republic of Telly, and I almost never watch films, so I’m a bit out of the loop.) I’ll certainly agree that Terrance Howard is pretty.

    And I’m now going to look up your post on height.

    TRiG.

  8. March 18, 2010 1:33 am

    TRIG – it’s called “Such great heights” and it’s dated 3/1/10.

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