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Oh Black Daughter (to the tune of Black Water)

March 19, 2010

Reader requested post.

a clueless dad...

Angelina, er or Snarky, whatevs, I’m not calling you by your fake superhero name. I touched up your roots when you only had a teaspoon of Hawaiian Silky relaxer and a picture of Nia Long.

Looking for a movie featuring fathers/children of different races. Maya (biracial) notices that Daddy is white and we are not, and is developing critical conscious in such a way we can’t enjoy watching anything good on TV anymore. Well truth be told, Partner is at that age where it’s really bother him that there isn’t much in the way of representation. You got anything?

xoxo,

Pollo/Tiff

I am strictly forbidden from making my shop worn observation that telling us a female named Maya is biracial is redundant. Oops. Tiff and I have been friends for nearly twenty years, which makes me feel old and twitchy. We met at John F. Kennedy High School summer school after an unfortunate incident with my platform boot and the back of an assclown’s head – unfortunate because I broke my heel. I guess I showed him who was the “oreo” that day.

An oreo – for the uninitiated – basically is a black person who likes Depeche Mode or Metallica or the original cast recording of CHESS while also having historical memory of racial injustices and “phone voices”. I am and will always be such a person. Like Obama or Condi or The Huxtables though I have no idea what their thoughts are regarding the above mentioned pop culture products.

Poor Harry Reid. He tried to reveal the secret sauce! Wah Wah Waaaaaah!

sharing the laughter and love

I give incredible “phone”. Oh the joy joy of the look on some employer’s face when confronted with a chubby brown person when they expected a TWA air hostess. Seriously NOBODY has that accent but airhostess and female “oreos”.

Collect call from the clue phone. Will you accept the charges?

All this chow chow is basically to tell you I can only think of ONE movie that not only approximates the requested dynamics but also has the exact racial identities of Maya and her Dad, David. And David, it’s been three years, you’re gonna have to forgive me for showing Maya 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. It never occurred to me that A) Your name was David just like Dave and B) Maya would be such a great mimic.

Wait, what? I can't go to the scary dino, island? NO FAIR!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you THE LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK.

Lulz abound in this not entirely terrible sequel to JURASSIC PARk. In fact, there is actually nothing one can point to – acting, script or cinematography – as the largest LULZ producing agent. It’s a well blended casserole of Lulz. While Goldblum is effective as Dr. Ian Malcolm, the stand out performances include: Pete Postlethwaite as big game hunter Roland, Arliss Howard as Peter Ludlow – John Hammond’s (Sir Richard Attenborough) clenched anus megalomaniac nephew – and Vanessa Lee Chester as the lovable Kelly Malcolm.

There are not enough “I see the family resemblance” jokes to get you drunk, so I would suggest a better drinking game would be the number of times Howard’s accent slips. Never mind, that won’t get you drunk either and you’d dehydrate from lack of liquids. Julianne Moore and Vince Vaughn are fabulous, but since I tend to see this as typical of them it’s not worth too much bandwidth.

Gymnastics feature heavily in this film, the likes of which we haven’t seen since AMERICAN ANTHEM.

The film says nothing new or noteworthy about tensions between preteen daughters and their often clueless dads, WHICH IS GOOD, since this is not a SAY SOMETHING movie. Kelly’s hair holds up real good for about 2/3 of the movie then revolts against her ponytail holder spectacularly. She had the foresight to brush her cute do into a no nonsense ponytail/bun before sneaking onto the boat to Isla Sorna and into our little hearts.

Kelly Malcolm (Vanessa Chester) all grown up!

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. March 19, 2010 2:05 pm

    I read the book and there is nothing in it resembling the end of this movie when the T. Rex goes Godzilla on San Diego’s ass. The rest of the movie is decent but I just had to yell out in righteous outrage when that mess started. *in nerd voice* THE BOOK IS WAY BETTER.

  2. March 19, 2010 2:15 pm

    I know! I always stop the movie after the backflip part. I forgot about the T-Rex takes San Diego part. hahah.

    Hey if you watch the very end when they’re all watching TV, supposedly if you look at the reflection of the TV you can see Spielberg!

  3. March 19, 2010 3:03 pm

    So much about this post makes me laugh, not least of all the title (which I am now singing to myself). I think you have a bit of what I’ve heard called a Connecticut or newscaster accent. The kind Dan Rather used to use when he didn’t want to be identified as a Texan.

  4. March 19, 2010 3:27 pm

    Ha. I thought his Texan accent was affected to cover up the CT.

  5. hsofia permalink
    March 19, 2010 6:09 pm

    I think I must be an Oreo. I do remember that Jurassic Park. I got all excited that the girl was black. I was like whoo hoo! It’s so sad that when a black girl ends up in a movie where black people “aren’t supposed” to be (because Ice Cube’s not in it, and no one is from the hood or being beat on by their shiftless husband) that I get so HAPPY. I wonder if white people ever get all excited about seeing white people in a movie. No, I really don’t.

  6. March 19, 2010 7:23 pm

    Omg, I totally squealed when the little girl came barreling towards Jeff Goldblum and laughed as the audience audibly gasped. LOL – liberals.

  7. hsofia permalink
    March 19, 2010 7:43 pm

    Omg, there were people whispering EVERY TIME she was onscreen. Like, “how can this be?” “My favorite overheard comment was, “Isn’t she black?”

    Oh wow. I just IMDb’d the movie, and turns out the girl who played the daughter in Lost World was the same girl who played Becky in A Little Princess! She surprised me twice! She is too cute, and needs to be in more movies, dammit.

  8. March 19, 2010 10:48 pm

    she was in Harriet the Spy too. And seriously, I heard someone say, “why does hollywood make everything political” LOL

    Spielberg has children of color and maybe, just maybe as a father he wanted them to see diverse representations of themselves. And I gotta say, he’s been pretty good in terms of diverse representation of POCs in his films.

    How dare he be “political”!

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